When petite, beautiful Pamela, 24, came to see me, she told me the story of her past: Her young, wild birth-father deserted her mother when she was an infant. Her mother then married a successful, professional man when Pam was four. Her mother had other children with him, and because of that, Pam felt excluded from the family. She felt that her step-father never accepted her, and that he judged her badly because he criticized her constantly.
Her anger at him was justifiable, and every friend or therapist who listened to her story would sympathize with her, but that didn’t help her get over the fury, resentment and anger she felt. She wanted to “forgive and forget,” but she didn’t know how.
I ask clients to write up their experiences, and she did a great job. Here is what she experienced in her own words:
Stephanie takes me back to my childhood. I am 4 years old at a Christmas play at kindergarten. I see myself dressed as a reindeer dancing in front of the crowd. However, I am upset and ashamed because I have a brown nose unlike Rudolph’s bright red one and I feel the brown is “boyish.” I am mad at my mom for painting it brown and decide to hide behind the other reindeer. We move on to my birth. We are at the hospital and I am in the womb ready to come out. I feel tight and crammed in there. Then I see myself being born, it is a C-section. The doctor gives me to my mom, she is hugging me and I am very happy to see her. My grandma and my aunt are there to welcome me as well. I feel happy and safe in their arms yet I need a better welcoming. They are the only ones there since my mom had me in a different city because she was scared of her father’s reaction. She was only 23 and got pregnant from a guy who was in and out of jail for a big part of his life. Needless to say, my dad was not at my birth. My present day me suddenly appears in the room. I hug and welcome baby Pamela. I see and love her. While I carry her, I admire her beauty and innocence. I kiss her heart and welcome her into the world by telling her “This is your best life yet!”
Stephanie then guides me into a beautiful garden where there are three different doors. One is labeled 650 AD and earlier, the next one is Middle Ages, and the third is a Modern Age up to 1986. I look down at my feet. They are a light tan and are covered in sand. I am somewhere in the dessert of Middle East and parts of my leather sandals peeking through the sand. I am wearing rags and walk a long distance to my home. When I enter my house I notice how simple it is. I look at my parents who are my maternal grandparents in this lifetime. We seem happy yet the scenario is uneventful. Stephanie then takes me to my next life. I look down at my feet. They are an olive tone. I’m near an ocean, the Mediterranean. I live in a house near the water. It is a boring and lonely life. My husband is my cousin from this life. He is very dull and serious, it is clear I’m not happy. Finally, after some struggles I get pregnant, but my baby dies young. I look into his face; it is Robert, my boyfriend from this life. I am very sad. My husband becomes even more distant both physically and emotionally. He is never home. My cousin Lucy from this lifetime is my neighbor. She is constantly coming over to comfort me and help me through. She is always there for me. There is another man I long for but I never tell him and nothing comes from it. Eventually, I die. It is uneventful. Apparently that was just a boring life that wanted attention and came up. I go to the In Between, and I am then greeted by my cluster group. They are a turquoise-blue group. In this life I learned how to cope alone as well as the importance of family.
I am in front of the three doors again. This time I choose the Modern Era. I look at my feet. They are white and small, belonging to a little girl. I am wearing black closed toe school shoes with a single strap. I am out in the country playing around the fields with the other Amish children. My mom is Jen (my current boyfriend’s mom) and my dad is my current dad from this lifetime. I have two sisters and two brothers but I do not recognize their faces. We are out playing and I know I have a happy childhood. Stephanie guides me to my next pivotal moment. I am now married with three daughters. The oldest is my mom from this lifetime. There is a boy pursuing her, but he is from the town and does not follow our traditions. He is my stepfather from this lifetime. I do not allow her to see or be in contact with him as we are strict Amish folks. I know he is not a good boy and will be a bad influence as he has a bad reputation in the town. It is 1806. I am in my late 30s or maybe early 40s. Since my daughter is forbidden to see this boy, he is angry as I am judging him and not giving him the chance to prove himself.
And so when my daughter gets married, he looses his temper and burns our home down. No one is hurt but our sacred home is destroyed. I am outraged, hurt, and will not allow myself to be a victim. At this point, my daughter is happily married yet the boy is still terrorizing my family. I have a very strong maternal instinct and feel the need to protect my family. One day, I hear some noises and notice the boy has broken into our home and is downstairs. When I get to the dining room, I loose control and see a big metal riffle next to me. I know at once I beat the boy to death with it. I know it is wrong and against everything I believe, but I don’t regret it. I am protecting my family and would do anything for them. My loyal husband, Randy (current life’s boyfriend), is there for me. He helps me bury the body in the backyard. No one else knows about this, not even my daughters. He is not happy with the circumstance but like me, he will do anything to protect his family. He is there for me at all times. However, even though he feels guiltier than I do, he keeps my secret and loves me just the same. We never get caught or even accused of this crime as no one would suspect us. My daughter is suspicious but never asks any questions.
As I die, I am greeted by my disappointed cluster group; my aura has now turned a shade of hot pink. I am ashamed and disappointed at myself. At the tribunal, I meet with a wise elder. We go though my life and see all good deeds yet also all of my mistakes. I know I have to make up for this life as I belong to a spiritual teaching cluster and we can’t go around murdering people. In this life I learn that I can’t control other people’s lives and emotions because of my beliefs. I have to be more open-minded and learn how to control my emotions.
To get my redemption I must live a life where I see what it feels like to be judged.
Pamela did an amazing job of understanding “why” she needed to be treated so badly by her stepfather, and it will give her a way to finally forgive him completely and let go of the anger that bubbled up from her unconscious mind. And connecting with her own purpose – seeing that she’s from a “spiritual, teaching cluster,” makes her path easier to navigate! Once you find your path, it’s your job to overcome the obstacles on it! And be brave. That’s how you know you have courage!