When you live by yourself, you live with the fantasy of who you are. When you live with another person, you live with the reality of who you are.
I didn’t make that up, but it’s true. When we live on our own, we do everything we want when we want and how we want to do it. And we think that we’re perfect. Then we become a couple, and the things we take for granted annoy the hell out of our mate. Now that here in Los Angeles, we’re heading into a month of “sheltering in place” (which, but the way is working out for us!), we’re all getting a bit of cabin fever and snappiness at our mates, yes?
I work with a lot of couples, helping them navigate through the treacherous waters of relationships, but I do it differently. I don’t help people to “communicate” with each other, because men don’t like that. They cover their ears and run for cover! Or they just ignore us and pretend to listen.
What do I do? I help couples love and accept the other person. Is that easy? No, but it’s doable. As my clients know, I do “Do it Yourself Therapy.” I suggest books and make MP3 that helps reprogram brains. I make my clients do the heavy lifting because I’m not in their brains. Cognitive Behavior Modification, Awareness Therapy, and Past Life Regressions help to reprogram the brain by rehearsing new thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors – and that changes the brain. And that changes peoples’ reactions to stress.
In my couples’ therapy, I work with each person separately, and then we figure out how best to love and accept that flawed, impossible other person. (Because we’re perfect, yes?)
For instance, a few months ago, Ivory, a beautiful 50ish, African American woman came to see me wanting to divorce her husband before she killed him. She loved him, but she’d become so annoyed and frustrated with his self-sabotage and childhood trauma issues that she wanted out. So I asked if he would come to see me separately, and he did.
Once I helped him heal his extremely traumatic past and then get motivated on his own business, he got successful, and they got happy.
The turning point for Ivory was in her past-life regression, where she saw herself as an Indian Brave. In that lifetime, she was the second son of a Chief, but not a warrior. In battle, he couldn’t kill. Because he wasn’t a warrior, he was ridiculed by his brother and had no confidence. He longed to marry a beautiful girl, but she chose another.
When I asked Ivory to look at the girl she loved, she said, “Oh, my god! It’s my husband!” In that past lifetime, he never gave up longing and loving that girl.
So this lifetime is the “payback” lifetime. Now Ivory gets to love him, but she has to accept who he is. And that’s what she decided to do. Is it easy? No, but what is?
The book I find most helpful to clients wanting to love each other more is: “Why Talking Is Not Enough – 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage,” by Susan Page. She gives you a guide for creating a “Spiritual Partnership.” And what better time to do this? When you’re trapped with your soon-to-be Spiritual Partner!
I love Susan’s technique and even recommend her book to my single clients, just in case they want to grow as a human. I’ve noticed that we all want to be Spiritual Masters; we just don’t want to do the work. It’s like St. Augustine’s prayer, “Oh, Lord, make me good – but not yet!”
Susan’s book is filled with great advice on what to do, and I encourage you to get a hard copy. Amazon still delivers. Even if you open it and leave on a table, it can help you.
For instance, Susan suggests that you give up problem-solving immediately.
What to do instead? She says:
- Adopt a Spirit of Good Will and create Loving Actions. (Then rehearse them in your brain! It created new habits of thinking!)
- Give up being right. That’s a dead end. Instead of asking who is right and who is wrong, ask, “What can I do to ease this situation?” (Stop blaming the other person in your head! The war is in your own mind, yes?)
- Think of an action you can take to create harmony in your relationship. Then do it!
These are just some of the techniques you can use in this time of being trapped inside our homes.
We know it won’t last forever, but until we can all get out and go the beach again, hike the hill trails that surround us or just walk to the bank without a mask on, why not take this time to become the Spiritual Master you’ve always wanted to become?
If you need help, please call. (323) 933-4377
I’m doing Zoom regressions and regular sessions online.
Sending you love,
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